Back home.

The images only make your heart throb when you’ve seen it with your own eyes. When you know what it feels like to stand before the real thing and feel everything it gives to you. To feel the life it breathes into your soul. The world has made it so simple to witness beautiful images. But really, you only feel it inside your being if you’ve had a taste. Only if you’ve had a moment hand in hand with it. You won’t know it until it happens to you. It’s a kind of love. An experience that molds into a part of your soul, you are forever shaped by it. And there is no going back.
  
    
    
 

You were it.

IMG_1492.JPGAs I sit here, under a full moon. I fight a constant urge to want to talk to you. I am pretty positive that any and all other interaction with other men is just filling the void of wanting to talk to you. I’ve deleted most traces of you. But that one New Years Eve voicemail still lingers in my mailbox, and the Christmas gift you made still resides on my desk. I swear that dumb rule, it takes half the amount of time you spent with someone to get over them, it’s a lie. I spent, in a generous world, 2 months with you. At the beginning I think we both kind of saw it as a joke. I mean we did meet via tinder. And truth be told I was and idiot upon deciding to meet you. Made every stupid, dumb, could possibly get you raped and murdered choice when taking that ever so strange plunge and meeting you for the first time.

The texting seemed all to good to be true, so we both had a bit of liquid courage one night, and made plans to meet. But as I now have been informed, you shouldn’t meet a guy you met on tinder, at his place, at 11pm, alone. But this girl did. Oh yeah, and lets not forget, I accidently left my phone in my car (whoops). But you seemed sweet, your best friend from childhood and his wife were asleep in your bedroom and I took a risk. I wore a skintight black dress, heels and brought us stouts. We sat on your balcony and talked for hours about our selves with Lake Union and the Seattle skyline under the stars before us. I knew I was genuinely interested when I listened to you speak about your parents; there was something to it that felt like home. Something about you felt like home, even in that first reckless moment. We stayed up late, made out on your couch, and I snuck out at 5am when you passed out.

I can’t honestly say I knew what we would turn into then, but I knew I did want to see you again. We proceeded to spend plenty of evenings together. Evenings filled with snuggling and watching Planet Earth, me forcing you to work on your guitar skills in front of me, and enjoying bottles of wine together. I am guessing you still don’t own any wine glasses. We enjoyed each other, I told you on our first date I was moving to Miami. I think we both thought it would be fine, neither of us were really planning on getting attached. And it went on like that for a while. I couldn’t figure out why I liked you so much though, why it felt so easy. For once in my life I was uncensored and you seemed to love every bit of it. I can still picture you before me giving me that look with your head slightly tilted and a grin on your face. That look which now makes my eyes water when I think about it because I long to see that look, looking at me, pulling me in for a hug and a kiss.

Somehow, somewhere along the way, I fell in love with you. I fell in love sitting on your couch, snuggling into you as you fell asleep on me, even after you promised me you wouldn’t. I fell in love with you every time you came down to let me into your place at the “hospital door.” I fell in love with you every time you kind of freaked out thinking I was ignoring you, but I was just at work late. I fell in love with you when you took me home for Christmas knowing I was leaving to move across the country in less than a week. I fell in love with you the morning we had to say goodbye and I turned around to see your eyes tearing up just as much as mine. I fell in love with you.IMG_1245.JPG

But then I left. For the first time I left when maybe I should have stayed. I left because every boy I clung to before, wrecked me, and was wrong for me. But I chased them anyway. In my dream world I thought maybe the whole you coming to visit me, would still happen. Maybe some how we could stay connected and hold on to a piece of what we had. You know, so when that day came in a year or so we would move to San Fran together and live happily ever after. For the first time in my adult life, I saw a real life with someone. I saw a life of family and friends. Of children and trips to the grocery store together. I saw my life with you, and it only took 2 months. 2 months to want you to be the guy who chased after me because I saw it all with you. From the moment you parallel parked my car to the last time our lips met. You were it, and I left.IMG_1764.JPG

Waves.

As I drove towards the central district today life seemed unreal. Mount Rainer lit up in the distance by the fading light and the sun setting against the Olympic peninsula. The only thought going through my head was how wonderful this life is. I live in Seattle and life is as good as it gets. It’s so messy and I think about a boy who is no longer mine so much but it just doesn’t matter. For once I am working on mastering the art of me. It is so wonderful. Lonely at times, yes. But literally, my life feels as though it is falling into place so unexpectedly. How I ever convinced myself things were good before I don’t really know. I guess relativity is everything. The world around me looks so much more vibrate and beautiful than ever before. I can only hope everyone feels this. And I pray to some kind of god that I can keep it up. There is just some great reward in knowing everything I do and conquer is entirely on my shoulders. I am kicking ass right now(and doing it in a pair of overalls covered in sawdust, fuck yeah!). I have found that little thing called happiness.  

Cake for Breakfast.

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I am eating cake for breakfast. It pairs like perfection with coffee, which has now become a daily habit in my Seattle lifestyle. I have no shame, sitting on the front porch in my pajamas as the rain falls on the 3rd grey day in a row this week. I think the whole endless summer we thought we were enjoying is coming to a foreseeable close. But as of late the good things seem to out weigh the bad; maybe the rain has helped me wash away a few things. It has most definitively forced me to appreciate the random rays of sunlight playing peek-a-boo from time to time. But its Friday folks and regardless if your week has been kick ass or a bummer of sorts, you survived another week on this crazy little globe circling a giant fireball. And all of us deserve some extreme kudos for that. So fuck it, eat some cake for breakfast. Keep on embracing all the joys this week has brought you, and forget the rest.

“You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.”

Expectaions&Aspirations

What was your life like a year ago today? Where were you? Who were you? What direction did you think you were going in? A year never fails to seem so far away, but it can pass by in the blink of an eye. And your world can change infinitely in that one year. Thanks to the world we live in with constant photo capture, I can literally take a glance and revisit some of what this past year has been for me. 26 has quickly passed and 27 has become so close. My life is definitely in a different place, and it is one I cannot honestly say I saw coming. A year ago I was beyond comfortable. I was spending plenty of time on the beach, working an easy job, and still having home cooked meals with my parents often enough. My biggest concern, a guy, that came and went like the wind. Eventually I told him he had to let me get blown away with him or let me go. So I spent a season with him and winter. Looking back now it maybe fit together to well: cold, dark, and lacking what it needed to actually be successful. Do not get me wrong it had moments of sunshine just not enough. I let myself slip away a bit in that season. Then I went back to that comfortable place on the beach. Resumed the easy job and did the easy choices. The wind and I finally parted ways. And now it has almost been a year since 26 happened and I have been with out a home for over a month. I have seen new places and met some really wonderful people. I have visited friends and family that I had not seen in to long. And I am still letting the wind blow around in my mind even though I don’t feel it on my skin so much anymore.
But tonight as I reflect on my year past, I am sitting in Seattle, on the floor of an empty room, in a practically empty house, just Augustus (jet black German Shepard, he’s a cutie) and I hanging out. The world feels confusing and overwhelming. But it is okay. For once in probably as long as I can remember there is not a plan for what is to come. My life does not have expectations but aspirations. And I think it is the messiest but the most beautiful place I have been in a while. Here’s to a year past and what lies ahead in the year to come!