Back home.

The images only make your heart throb when you’ve seen it with your own eyes. When you know what it feels like to stand before the real thing and feel everything it gives to you. To feel the life it breathes into your soul. The world has made it so simple to witness beautiful images. But really, you only feel it inside your being if you’ve had a taste. Only if you’ve had a moment hand in hand with it. You won’t know it until it happens to you. It’s a kind of love. An experience that molds into a part of your soul, you are forever shaped by it. And there is no going back.
  
    
    
 

You were it.

IMG_1492.JPGAs I sit here, under a full moon. I fight a constant urge to want to talk to you. I am pretty positive that any and all other interaction with other men is just filling the void of wanting to talk to you. I’ve deleted most traces of you. But that one New Years Eve voicemail still lingers in my mailbox, and the Christmas gift you made still resides on my desk. I swear that dumb rule, it takes half the amount of time you spent with someone to get over them, it’s a lie. I spent, in a generous world, 2 months with you. At the beginning I think we both kind of saw it as a joke. I mean we did meet via tinder. And truth be told I was and idiot upon deciding to meet you. Made every stupid, dumb, could possibly get you raped and murdered choice when taking that ever so strange plunge and meeting you for the first time.

The texting seemed all to good to be true, so we both had a bit of liquid courage one night, and made plans to meet. But as I now have been informed, you shouldn’t meet a guy you met on tinder, at his place, at 11pm, alone. But this girl did. Oh yeah, and lets not forget, I accidently left my phone in my car (whoops). But you seemed sweet, your best friend from childhood and his wife were asleep in your bedroom and I took a risk. I wore a skintight black dress, heels and brought us stouts. We sat on your balcony and talked for hours about our selves with Lake Union and the Seattle skyline under the stars before us. I knew I was genuinely interested when I listened to you speak about your parents; there was something to it that felt like home. Something about you felt like home, even in that first reckless moment. We stayed up late, made out on your couch, and I snuck out at 5am when you passed out.

I can’t honestly say I knew what we would turn into then, but I knew I did want to see you again. We proceeded to spend plenty of evenings together. Evenings filled with snuggling and watching Planet Earth, me forcing you to work on your guitar skills in front of me, and enjoying bottles of wine together. I am guessing you still don’t own any wine glasses. We enjoyed each other, I told you on our first date I was moving to Miami. I think we both thought it would be fine, neither of us were really planning on getting attached. And it went on like that for a while. I couldn’t figure out why I liked you so much though, why it felt so easy. For once in my life I was uncensored and you seemed to love every bit of it. I can still picture you before me giving me that look with your head slightly tilted and a grin on your face. That look which now makes my eyes water when I think about it because I long to see that look, looking at me, pulling me in for a hug and a kiss.

Somehow, somewhere along the way, I fell in love with you. I fell in love sitting on your couch, snuggling into you as you fell asleep on me, even after you promised me you wouldn’t. I fell in love with you every time you came down to let me into your place at the “hospital door.” I fell in love with you every time you kind of freaked out thinking I was ignoring you, but I was just at work late. I fell in love with you when you took me home for Christmas knowing I was leaving to move across the country in less than a week. I fell in love with you the morning we had to say goodbye and I turned around to see your eyes tearing up just as much as mine. I fell in love with you.IMG_1245.JPG

But then I left. For the first time I left when maybe I should have stayed. I left because every boy I clung to before, wrecked me, and was wrong for me. But I chased them anyway. In my dream world I thought maybe the whole you coming to visit me, would still happen. Maybe some how we could stay connected and hold on to a piece of what we had. You know, so when that day came in a year or so we would move to San Fran together and live happily ever after. For the first time in my adult life, I saw a real life with someone. I saw a life of family and friends. Of children and trips to the grocery store together. I saw my life with you, and it only took 2 months. 2 months to want you to be the guy who chased after me because I saw it all with you. From the moment you parallel parked my car to the last time our lips met. You were it, and I left.IMG_1764.JPG

October jams.

So it’s safe to say I am all over the board these days (oh hey full moon). But shifting into overdrive on looking for new tunes lately and throwing my energy into all things writing, woodworking, running, and reading. All of the above help me sort out the madness in the world around me and within me. Just over the two month mark as a resident of Seattle and I pretty much have a completely new life. So here’s to forgetting the things of the past, and a new playlist full of badass music. Onward and upward.

Do you,

Love yourself an insane amount,

And dance, dance so much!

(Seriously though listen to the playlist)

Waves.

As I drove towards the central district today life seemed unreal. Mount Rainer lit up in the distance by the fading light and the sun setting against the Olympic peninsula. The only thought going through my head was how wonderful this life is. I live in Seattle and life is as good as it gets. It’s so messy and I think about a boy who is no longer mine so much but it just doesn’t matter. For once I am working on mastering the art of me. It is so wonderful. Lonely at times, yes. But literally, my life feels as though it is falling into place so unexpectedly. How I ever convinced myself things were good before I don’t really know. I guess relativity is everything. The world around me looks so much more vibrate and beautiful than ever before. I can only hope everyone feels this. And I pray to some kind of god that I can keep it up. There is just some great reward in knowing everything I do and conquer is entirely on my shoulders. I am kicking ass right now(and doing it in a pair of overalls covered in sawdust, fuck yeah!). I have found that little thing called happiness.  

Cake for Breakfast.

Processed with VSCOcam with c2 preset

I am eating cake for breakfast. It pairs like perfection with coffee, which has now become a daily habit in my Seattle lifestyle. I have no shame, sitting on the front porch in my pajamas as the rain falls on the 3rd grey day in a row this week. I think the whole endless summer we thought we were enjoying is coming to a foreseeable close. But as of late the good things seem to out weigh the bad; maybe the rain has helped me wash away a few things. It has most definitively forced me to appreciate the random rays of sunlight playing peek-a-boo from time to time. But its Friday folks and regardless if your week has been kick ass or a bummer of sorts, you survived another week on this crazy little globe circling a giant fireball. And all of us deserve some extreme kudos for that. So fuck it, eat some cake for breakfast. Keep on embracing all the joys this week has brought you, and forget the rest.

“You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.”

A reflection and realization. 

This past week I noticed myself enjoying the late night walks home from the bus stop a little more than usual.  The cool air brushing up against my skin and the dim light of the waning moon illuminating the street before me. My life is starting to feel less foreign. But with this glorious newfound feeling I had a realization, a reminder of the people I have left behind. The people I won’t get to see so often any more. The ones I may not even see once a year, people who have meant so much to me. They have been my support through the many seasons of my life until now. Yes planes, trains, and automobiles can practically get any one anywhere. But realistically next to no one will have the time, money, or honestly make the effort to do so. Think about it, if you moved today who do you really think would come visit you? I had this question asked to me a few years ago (clearly I have been thinking of leaving Florida for a while now) my answer at the time was my parents (go figure they are coming to Seattle at the end of the month), and probably my best friends Alison and Monica. That was it. There are a lot of people I just have to accept I will not see. Holidays have turned into looking forward to things like friendsgiving (aka a lot of pie and wine), and who knows what Christmas will hold (aside from more wine, most definitely). This realization hit me the hardest when I thought about my grandparents. For so long they have seemed invincible to me like they would always be there. They age but not really, as if they are in some permanent state of old age that doesn’t age (who knows if that makes any sense). But they are getting older, and phone communication gets harder with hearing loss, and realistically they are closer to the end of their lives. But honestly everyone is, we could all die tomorrow and if you don’t make the effort, if you don’t take the time to maintain relationships, they may cease to exist, literally. Fall is here and will be for a while. I encourage you to embrace this season; let go of the things that no longer serve you or have come to the end of their road in your life. Let go. But also, I encourage you to appreciate and take notice of the people and practices that bring you happiness and growth. Remember to give those things some extra love and energy. Feed them. Near or far, it is important to not overlook the joys in our lives; the things that make us truly blessed everyday and make us happy. Take notice, have gratitude for what leaves your life this fall and for what remains. Life is fleeting, and people will come and go but it all just reinforces the idea of being in the moment. Enjoy the moments for what they are. Do not search or contemplate what is ahead or behind. Be here now, Fall. 
  
  
  
  
   q

A Reflection, the end of June

Here, 26, a lonely night on my back porch. Closing out an evening with one of my closest friends, probably the one which knows me best. A smile on my face, a mild buzz, and my furry friend which in a weird way I want to say is from my first marriage(that never happened but uhh 8 years is a long time).
It’s a humid Florida night, filled with no moon light because it hasn’t risen yet. All I can think about is how fast time passes, and how quickly we wish moments away. Let me say, in this moment I miss people. I miss my boyfriend who makes me laugh more than anyone, I miss a friend who is stuck in jail and has been for years now, I miss a friend 4 hours away trapped in the American little Havana. I miss the people and places I’ve been and experienced before. But none the less tonight is beautiful, and sharing a beer(or 4 and pizza) with a beat friend is priceless. It’s a night I’ll never get back spent in the best of wasting ways. Shooting the shit about maybe how we will have kids one day that play together(his oldest with my youngest, most likely),engagement rings, and how he will always see 2 of his best friends being perfect together until that idea happens or completely dies.
It’s a perfect night, love and life being shared between two souls that care about the other. Over nothing but beer and pizza, more nights should be this simple and wonderful.